Would you call a house cat playing a guitar a strum-pet?
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A loud musician will usually end up playing a brass instrument.
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A musician’s career is usually very hard because they often don’t get paid to scale.
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Making up jokes about musicians can be risky business. Some of them take notes.
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Musicians do it in an upbeat tempo.
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Musicians do it again at the recapitulation.
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Musicians sometimes do it with a crescendo.
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Some musicians can do it pianissimo.
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Musicians often do it staccato.
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Musicians love to do it as a trio.
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Musicians sometimes do it solo.
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Music isn’t a lucrative business for many musicians who all too often die baroque.
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The key to Beethoven’s success was his understanding that if it isn’t baroque, don’t fix it.
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Beethoven thought the violinist missed a note in the second movement, but she said, “Sorry, but you just didn’t hear it.”
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Chopin was a noted composer.
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Chopin’s success came early because he composed himself at a young age.
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Q: What’s the name of the cow’s favorite composer?
A: Wolfgang Amadeus Moo-zart.
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Mozart was not only a musical genius, he also dabbled in military matters. He perfected the use of the Canon.
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I believe Johann Strauss II was depressed when he composed “The Blue Danube,” but that’s all water under the bridge.
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Is every “Fifth Symphony” ever composed a tribute to distilled spirits?
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The Minute Waltz walked into a bar and ordered a drink. The bartender said, “Sorry, we closed not 60 seconds ago.”
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A dirge walked into a bar and ordered a drink. The bartender said, “Sorry, I won’t serve you in your present condition.”
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A chord walked into a bar and ordered a drink. The bartender said, “We don’t serve minors.”
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A fermata walked into a bar and ordered a drink. The bartender said, “Hold it right there!”
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The whole note said to the quarter note, “You don’t know the half of it!”
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The whole note said to the eighth note, “You’re just like I was when I was your age.”
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The whole note said to the eighth note, “When you’ve been around longer you’ll understand.”
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The eighth note said to the whole note, “You have to be quicker on the uptake when you’re playing jazz.”
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Jazz musicians are almost always upbeat.
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Q: What do you call Detroit African-American cow music?
A: Moo-town.
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The pop singer decided her next album should be on a vinyl disc because she felt she was in a groove.
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An up-and-coming boy band calls themselves “The Rubber Band” because to say they play music is stretching it.
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When the representative from Delaware submitted a bill to change the national anthem, his colleagues in congress wouldn’t stand for it.
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The congressman put forth a bill to celebrate the violin as a national treasure, but he gave up because there were too many strings attached.
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A concert violinist is very serious—she doesn’t fiddle around.
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Was “The Fiddler on the Roof” able to reach the high notes?
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A Southern gentleman playing a violin does so with great bow-regard.
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A violin is an instrument that can be played by a bow or a girl.
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Violinists are the true exhibitionists: they love to fiddle with their G-strings.
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Pianists are truly the nervous ones: they are always keyed up.
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It is extremely hard to discuss anything with a pianist. Everything is black and white to them.
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Pianists believe the piano is key to an orchestra’s performance.
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You could say a grand piano is a “mature” instrument even though it has so many minor keys.
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The pianist was arrested for inappropriately touching minor keys, but the case was dismissed for lack of a motif.
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In the courtroom the key witness fingered the guitarist. The jury convicted him and voted to string him up.
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Guitar players fret a lot.
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Not all bass players want to make it to third.
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Cello players are likely to take a bow at the end of a concert performance.
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Harpists are very high-strung.
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The angel wanted to learn the violin but his fellow angels kept harping on him about it.
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Harpists are pretty feisty; you could say they have pluck.
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Banjo players won’t play just any kind of music—they can be pretty picky.
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Civil Rights protesters occasionally brought a banjo to a demonstration, and when the timing was right, they’d pick-it.
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A banjo player likes to pick his own music.
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Accordion players have to squeeze their practice into very busy schedules.
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Affectionate accordion players make music with their main squeeze.
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In certain circles, a bagpipe player could get kilt.
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You would have thought the bagpipe originated in Wales.
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The clarinetist had to take a break because he was winded.
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If a clarinetist messes up, they reed him the riot act.
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The conductor disciplined two clarinetists for passing notes during a concert.
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The oboe player as a person is a slimy snake because he is a real charmer.
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Trumpet players are full of brass and love to toot their own horn.
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Trumpeters who sound a sour note make a blaring mistake.
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The trumpeter quit the symphony orchestra and joined the coast guard because someone told him it was another way to hit the high Cs.
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The young trumpeter practiced puckering long and hard, but he blew it on his first date.
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French horn players often wax on into the oui hours of the morning.
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The French horn player was tired so gave only lip service in playing the long piece.
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French horn players love patriotic music that celebrates “Oui the People.”
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It’s a little-known fact that French horn players were instrumental in the Civil Rights movement—how else “Oui Shall Overcome”?
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The town’s cobbler joined the local orchestra so he could play in the shoe horn section.
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The saxophone player told her he practiced safe sax but she didn’t believe him.
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A conductor once told me that “euphonium” is Latin for “You’re a fraud…”
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Tuba players put a lot of oomph into their playing.
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Once you squeeze music out of a tuba, you can’t get it back in.
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For trombone players, playing some music is the long and short of it.
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Trombone players tend to let things slide.
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“76 Trombones” is a musical piece where the brass horns in on the main theme.
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Pound for pound timpanists carry their own weight in an orchestra.
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Timpanists believe you can’t beat their part in an orchestra.
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The gong player made several mistakes during the concert because he was hammered.
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Leonardo da Vinci’s design of the musical gong was a stroke of genius.
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The cymbal player keeps the symphony from being a crashing bore.
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If you plan on crashing a party, be sure to take a cymbal player with you.
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A tambourine player gets a bang out of most any kind of music.
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If a triangle player isn’t up to snuff, they get dinged for their poor performance.
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Some of the other percussionists think the chimes player is a ding-a-ling.
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A percussionist will chime in with the right note at the right time.
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The percussionist got a concussion when he tried to play by ear.
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The percussionist had to leave practice early—he had a pounding headache.
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Upset a percussionist and he just might take his drum and beat it.
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A serious drummer will stick to his instrument.
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A jazz drummer will easily snare you with his rhythm, beat, and style.
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Q: What did the cow accomplish when she won on American Idol?
A: It was her moo-sical debut.
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The newspaper columnist gave up on his article about the a capella choir because there just wasn’t enough background material.
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Sopranos have to pipe up to make it anywhere in opera.
